I saw an old woman on the side of the road holding a cardboard sign:
I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS AND ALL OF THEM ARE THE PATRIARCHY.
My immediate response was:
“Huh. Same.”
Because somewhere along the way we started treating the patriarchy like a gender war. Men on one side. Women on the other. Whatever one side gains, the other must lose.
But I don't think that's what this is.
For every woman who feels trapped in the work and stress of domestic bliss, there's a man killing himself at a job he hates to pay for it.
The patriarchy traps women inside the home while locking men out.
We all know the stereotype.
Come six o'clock, Mom's clawing at the walls trying to get out of the house while Dad's sitting in the garage trying to muster the strength to go in.
She resents that he gets to leave every morning.
He resents that he has to.
Maybe neither of them really resents the other. Maybe they're both just exhausted from playing the roles they were assigned.
I was lucky.
My wife and I built a life we did our best to share. We took turns going to work while the other stayed home with our son. We both cooked. We both cleaned. We both played chauffeur.
Things didn't always shake out equal, but the spirit was there.
And that gave both of us something.
It allowed her to have a life outside our home.
And it allowed me to have a relationship with my son inside it.
That's why when I see women fighting for things seemingly meant to benefit them—childcare, healthcare, pay equity, parental leave—I don't see a war of the sexes.
I see people fighting for a better society.
I see the possibility of stronger families where men and women don't have to spend their lives playing characters somebody else wrote for them.
We fucking love freedom.
We put it on flags and bumper stickers. We fight wars over it. We build entire national identities around it.
But what kind of freedom tells a woman where she's supposed to be?
What kind of freedom tells a man who he's supposed to be?
How much strain do we put on a man's mental health when we teach him that if he falls, he's a failure?
How much strain do we put on a woman's when we teach her that being good means learning to submit?
Different rules.
Same message.
There is a person you're supposed to be. Stay in your lane.
And then we have the audacity to call that freedom.
And let's be real about who benefits from keeping those lanes in place.
The fat cats controlling our labour aren't all men anymore. They wear pants and skirts. A woman sitting in the corner office is perfectly capable of exploiting the guy working himself into the ground, just as a man can benefit from a world where enormous amounts of caregiving and domestic labour are performed for free.
The employer benefits when Dad believes working himself to death makes him a good father.
The system benefits when Mom believes sacrificing herself makes her a good mother.
And everybody at the top benefits when those two exhausted people look across the dinner table and blame each other.
Patriarchy and economic power aren't exactly the same thing. But they've spent a hell of a lot of history working together.
Maybe that's why I've never understood treating the fight against patriarchy as something men are supposed to reluctantly support on behalf of women.
I'm not giving something up.
I want out too.
I want women to be free to build careers, make money, lead companies or stay home with their kids.
I want men to be free to provide, stay home, change diapers, cry when they're hurting, ask for help when they need it and fall down occasionally without believing they've failed at being men.
Maybe freedom isn't deciding which gender gets the better deal.
Maybe freedom is getting rid of the fucking deal.
So, yeah.
To the old woman standing on the side of the road with her cardboard sign:
Huh. Same.