I like to think about what things would be like if I was crowned king of the world. It would be a weirdly wonderful place. I mean even this radical socialist would have a few authoritarian tendencies. I’m king of the world after all. But what would it look like? Something like this.
Yeah, war — war is done. No more fighting, no profiteering, it’s done, it won’t be allowed. And if you try, you’ll see my authoritarian come out.
And weapons — yeah, mostly done too. Well, maybe not my sai. I’m keeping my sai. The ones my father made. In fact, I take it back. Martial arts weapons are okay. Oh, and fuck that, you’re all learning martial arts. It’s hard to want to hit someone when you know how it feels to get hit. So yeah, I don’t care if it’s just tai chi or — heaven forbid — Aikido (just kidding, Aikido is cool, not as cool as karate but you get where I’m going).
Oh, and work. Fuck work. Work if you want, if not, sit on your ass and just take care of yourself and your family. We got the money. But for those of you who need to be productive, who want a little more, some room to breathe — I got you.
Firstly, ladies, I’m sorry — no tattoos for you. You’re perfect the way you are. But don’t worry, you’re in charge now. Leave the tattoos to us loser men who can’t find another way to express ourselves, to say “I love and want to be loved.” I like art but I don’t know why. I know, I know, not letting ladies get tattoos is a little bonkers, but here’s the thing — you’re the boss now. I’m restoring the natural order that the patriarchy destroyed.
And the super wealthy — not you people worth tens of millions, you’re okay. You’re paying your taxes and helping your communities. But you really rich motherfuckers, the ones who really don’t deserve as much as you have (because nobody does) — I’m coming for you, and I’m doing you a favour. You’ve lost touch with reality. You need to ride the bus with the rest of us. Then, hopefully, you will truly learn how to lead — with empathy for real people. They’re not just numbers on a spreadsheet.
You will answer to the lowest in society — the people you despise right now. You will see that they struggle because of the systems you created. The systems meant to exploit their labour.
Listen, I know that there are a few of you who think you’re doing the right thing, but here’s the thing: if you walked by your lowest paid worker and you just earned twelve times their annual salary in the seconds you stopped to say hello — fuck you. You don’t have a clue.
Look, if I was king of the world all other monarchies would be gone — destroyed. They’re bullshit anyway. King because my mommy or daddy was? Fuck you, you’re a drain on resources, you do nothing. If I was king, I’d fucking earn it, you lazy cunts. (Can I say cunts? I’m Canadian, it feels weird.)
And when I died, there would be no more succession. I’d leave you to figure out the rest when I’m gone. But if I did my job right, every child would grow up with a full belly and the best education possible. Try us now, ignorance — you don’t stand a fucking chance.
And if for some reason we started to slip into our old ways, there would be too many people saying, “This is not right.” Some might say, “This is not what he wanted,” but that doesn’t matter. The only thing that would matter is that enough people would have the courage to stand up and say, “Cut that shit out. We’ve seen it before, and it doesn’t end well for you.”
We’ll be fine. But that’s the thing — the light always breaks the darkness, the sun always rises, or some bullshit like that.
So crown me king if you want — but this is where we’re going anyway. I’d just hurry it along. So save space for me on the throne and pass me my scepter — or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.
And if your pessimistic mind doesn’t think so?
You know what to do.
Fact Check Me.