The Dumbest Thing About Smartphones Might Be Us

If we want to talk about first-world problems, I miss my old phone.

My new one does everything I need it to do, but I didn't buy it because it was the phone I wanted. I bought it because after dropping my Samsung Z Flip 4 one too many times, replacing it became a necessity.

Most people would ask, "Why not just get the newest model?"

Because I was already four or five generations behind. I've reached that point in life where spending $1,500 on a phone when a $300 Costco special will technically do the job just makes more sense.

For the first few weeks, I'd instinctively press my finger against the back of my Motorola, waiting for it to snap shut. Instead, I'd just be greeted with resistance. Muscle memory is a funny thing.

Now I carry around an oversized slab wrapped in an even more oversized case that leaves a perfect rectangle stamped into my jeans pocket.

The case is there because, about five minutes after buying the phone, I dropped it. It bounced off a kitchen drawer and displayed exactly the level of durability you'd expect from a $300 supercomputer.

Thankfully, Costco has one of those return policies that makes you wonder if they're running a warehouse or a witness protection program.

Truthfully, though, I've been drooling over something else.

Apparently physical keyboards are making a comeback.

I do most of my writing lying in bed at night, somewhere between inspiration and whatever magic modern antidepressants perform. My thumbs and touchscreens have never really gotten along. My spelling wasn't great to begin with, and autocorrect can only do so much when the word you're trying to type bears absolutely no resemblance to the collection of letters your thumbs actually produced.

Then I stumbled across the Clicks Communicator.

To be clear, it's a perfectly capable smartphone.

But the company insists on calling it a companion phone.

A phone for your phone.

Think about that for a second.

We've reached a point in history where someone looked at a phone and said, "You know what this needs? Another phone."

Researching phones sends you down strange rabbit holes.

One of the biggest trends right now is the rise of the "dumb smartphone."

Apparently our phones have become so smart that they've made the rest of us a little dumb.

So naturally the solution is obvious.

Let's make the phones dumb again so we can be the smart ones.

There are companies selling stripped-down smartphones with fewer apps, fewer notifications and fewer distractions.

We spent twenty years paying companies to cram more features into our phones.

Now we're paying different companies to take them back out again.

Not dumb enough?

How about a smartphone with an e-ink "paper" screen like a Kindle?

The idea is that the slower, less colourful display makes you less likely to doomscroll.

Sounds great.

The only problem is the screen refreshes about as fast as that bird on The Flintstones chiseling pictures into a stone tablet.

The best part?

The whole time I'm thinking, "At least this thing will be cheap."

Then I click on the price.

Two thousand dollars.

Apparently the cure for technology addiction costs more than the addiction itself.

Some days I'm tempted to chuck my phone into the river and be done with it.

But let's be honest—that's never going to happen.

I remember when phones were optional. Now you feel naked leaving the house without one.

Besides, all I'd really be doing is polluting the river with yet another cellphone tossed in by another frustrated owner.

Then reality sets in.

How am I supposed to order the Uber home?

I could take the bus.

Except my PRESTO card is on my phone.

So is my debit card.

My concert tickets.

My boarding passes.

Half my passwords.

My grocery points.

Somewhere along the way, our phones stopped being something we carried.

They became something we are.

Fact check me.

The smartphone revolution wasn't about putting a computer in our pocket.

It was about slowly turning our pocket into the place where we keep our entire lives.

That's why none of us can throw them away.